oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
