Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The ass gains better be worth it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
