it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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