her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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