sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
