i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
