Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
