I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Houston, we have a blender
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
