im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
