Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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