You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
