I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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