hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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