dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
