i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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