I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
