We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I did not marry a roomba.
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