What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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