There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize