Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize