dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
