I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
