Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
