im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I am one with the molecules
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
