weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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