I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
this is an emotional support booty call
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
