I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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