I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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