it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
