So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
