I'm sorry my penis didn't work
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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