im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
