You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
