too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
