If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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