He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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