This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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