her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
