Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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