this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
