genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
