I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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