come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
