i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
