Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
