I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
