WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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