Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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