if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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