Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
