The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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