woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
