if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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