Your mouth is God's brothel.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well most of my day revolves around power hour
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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