he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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