It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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