So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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