i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
