just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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