Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
