First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
A bitchslap is in order.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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