the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
