I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
cat food counts as protein by the way
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize