I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
