Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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