Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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