i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
