i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
